| | So, it's 5:02am and I have been up for two hours. I have read, played with google latitude, made cheese on toast and tried to sleep. I have taken two Kalms that might help, but I am doubting it very much. I try and keep most of my personal life out of this blog, because it's a long a complicated situation that would take hours to explain without any guarantee that you would understand any of it. I say that because I don't fully understand most of it, so it's not suprising I try and avoid explaining the finer details. Laura is expecting to move out next weekend, the 21st to be exact. I am suprised that she is moving so quickly and in many respects, I am suprised that she has found the money to do so.
It has left me in a very tight position. Without a fridge/freezer, without a matress or a bed, without a television (this is the source of most contention) and now without a car. I don't want the car, I do want the television and given she is having a vast amout of expensive furniture for pretty much nothing, I have not got a sniff of gratitude throughout the whole thing. I really felt that this was going to be an amicable process but I am starting to feel that the whole thing could quickly escalate in to materialistic chaos. But then who said divorce was easy. Tomorrow I am off to see the mortgage company with the intention of taking her off the mortgage. If not, then I will have to look at the current situation as a temporary stopgap, rather then any permanence. Posted via email from chrisgower's posterous | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Going to see Bright Stars at the Picture House, review when I can be bothered. Day was tiring but good, drank tea and ran around, no change there. Just had nice gammon steak at 'spoons, seen guy with amazing chin, Tori drawing him as I write. Posted via email from chrisgower's posterous | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Well, what a strange few days.
We got up to the big smoke and I had my scan, played some more chess for a couple of hours and then got told that there had been no change since the last scan.
It's still there and it is very much a case of 'by the grace of God' so I am feeling blessed although its annoying as I want to start treatment as soon as possible. But then I'm not complaining I guess.
I am now a PhD in Metaphysics. http://www.templaruniversity.com | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Bon Homi | | Time: | 09:57 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/happy.gif) chipper |
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| Well life continues as normal. I am poorer then usual as I have no control over money, and I am still egging for world domination. I was going to cycle in today but I was late getting up so I had to drive, and I forgot to bring my lunch too so I will have to either go hungry or go and forage amongst the bushes for fermenting fruit or half empty crisp wrappers.
My key for coping with my slightly stupid life is to be preoccupied with things, Soduku, Crosswords, [work], Trains, Spiritual development, babies and procrastination. Leave me alone with bad thoughts and I turn in to a gibbering wreck.
"Death is but a door, time is just a window. I will be back"
Ghostbusters
I have also discovered Chess, and I have also discovered that I can be lucky at it if I try. London tomorrow to be told the damage, at least I can get an idea of what the hell is going on with my lungs. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Another day and another set of dark thoughts. Not helped by a visit from the hospice nurse who came and introduced herself. She's a lovely lady so I was put at ease but I had to go over things that I didn't really want to talk about. Still to hear from the Marsden, obviously I am not good enough for them (humph).
Getting my bike back today, then I will go around taking photos of things and people with my disability money. Or maybe I'll save it? Or even we could go away for a one in a life time cruise?
I feel that I am decending in to this self induced bubble of thought, not negative dark feelings but just determination to get remission and get as much time as possible. Enough time to get married and move out and have babies and all the things that I want. Life is different now, and its all about remission and getting better and moving out and getting married and having babies. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I feel better today, yesterday was a total nosedive which ended up me bursting in to tears when I picked up Laura.
I think it needed to come out, I needed a good blub and I feel better for it. I am going to concentrate of getting better and going forward. Look forward to the wedding, look forward to moving out and hopefully with one thing and another I'll be able to concentrate on other things, other then the dark things.
Light is good, and hopefully there is a lot of light in the future. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven | | Time: | 09:52 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/okay.gif) okay |
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| I have metastatic melanoma in both lungs.
There are lots of them, they have not even thought about operating.
I guess this is the sort of news that other people get, you comfort them and think "thank god its not me"
But it is. Me.
No one knows how long it'll be if the chemo doesn't work. There is a 2:5 chance of it working, so its pretty slim. I am positive though, I feel that now is not my time and that I have started so much already. I am just about to get married and start a family, surely my time can't be up already?
Its still like a weird surreal dream, I guess it hasn't sunk in properly.
I am going up to the Marsden centre in London where they'll hopefully offer me treatment with experimental drugs. I am not even sure if they'll take me, but the trip will be nice.
I guess this is the start of the 'treatment' journal.
It is not over until the fat lady sings, and I've not heard any opera yet.. | | comments: 11 comments or Leave a comment |
| | I am going back in to hospital today. They rang me up and said that there was something about my CT scan that they needed to see me about. I had the scan two months ago so it can't be that serious, but I guess we shall wait and see. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Penguins don't have names
But this one is called Dick
He has high aspirations
For a bird who lives
Deep in the Antartic
His intellectual abilities
Far surpassed his penguin peers
He knew he wanted out
Of his icey lonely home
A penguin with a career
Dick didn't dote the dream
Of being a lawyer or an explorer
But knew his path laid
Far from his homely shores
So off he went, our penguin pioneer.
Goodbye Ross Ice Shelf
Melting steadily in to the sea
On the back of a chartered whale
Fishy supper in a lunchbox
And a muller rice for tea
The whale complained of cramp
Somewhere off Brazil
He hopped on to a passing ship
On malibu and pineapple did sip
Chomping on entrees to his fill
The ship did dock in Miami
Dick bought a map and looked up Bill
A penguin friend in a zoo nearby
Who he visited under a moonlit sky
Zoo food make him Ill
So he brought a chinese on the way
They sat up all night drinking schnaps
Dick was really bad at holding
His alcohol and kissed a nearby
Fish who gave him a big fat slap.
He wandered around Miami and dreamt
Of a colder place, with ice and artic breeze
He wanted to go home again
To the place that he was akin
Beyond the distant Amazon trees
So goodbye to Bill he said
And called his chartered Whale
He rode home quick
On a whale called Mick
He loved his home without fail. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Silently shimmering
The night sky is splayed apart
In a halo of batter
As god dips the giant onion ring
In to the mayonaise sea
The ships that sail
Are grounded on its
Crispy coating
I hope god
Likes fish flavoured
Mayonaise | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 11:00 am | | Current Mood: | political |
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| The world was run differently.
Please ignore any sweeping generalisations here, as this is a thought-in-progress.
Politics is a game, in fact politics is a very bad game. Everyone plays it but no one really wins, in fact, lets all say that everyone loses.
We lose because government is influenced by money wielding powerful individuals/corporations who have enough money to get their way. We lose because we are not directly involved in decision making. We lose because there is no such thing as true representation, individuals with opinions claim to represent our opinions where they are frequently speaking on their own behalf. In my opinion the system needs to be 'overhauled'.
Government should be flat. Flat and fair, and empathy should be made a criminal offence.
Government 2.0 | | comments: Leave a comment |
| At the moment I am sat in an empty library feeling rather bored. I have about four main things on my mind at the moment.
1. ECDL - My European Computer Driving License, what a pretentious load of arse. I have managed to complete about One module our of the four that I need for the second bit of this qualification, but I have failed the Excel module twice so I am not really bothered anymore. I am studying at my leisurely pace for the exam next Wednesday/Thursday so I will panic tomorrow I think.
2. Wedding - Lots of preparation for the big day in December, thinking about music for our 60's/70's disco but Laura is doing most of the organising bless her.
3. Quelling the many ideas for businesses - I thought I had got this under control, but it reared it's head again a few days ago. So many thoughts are very difficult to control, I have concentrated on my painting a lot recently to stop the near obsessional thoughts returning. I wish I was obsessional about something else!
4. Being fat - I have put on a mountain of weight recently, either that or I have given up holding it in and not realised it. I have lost the ability to tell myself that I am full, and I love food too much as well! Need to lose a bit of weight so that I can fit in to my jeans again :(
So apart from that, really, life goes on. One day I will be good at painting and one day I will be able to move to France and paint obscure Parisian coffee houses. One day. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Over the past few months I have been battling some weird and stubborn thoughts. They are not bad thoughts, in fact in the right hands (someone who had money and time) they would make someone very rich. But with me, (no money or time) they are positively destructive. My head has been a swirling maelstrom of thoughts about businesses and money making which, althought to be commended, is pretty useless if you have no money to throw at things like that, or the time and concentration span to do them justice.
So I have finally taken control of my stupid thoughts and have reigned them in, at least I hope I have. I hate being inspired sometimes!
I went off and bought two massive canvasses a few days ago, it was buy one get one free too so it was all good in my eyes. Unfortunatly I forgot we didn't have much space in the hole, so I got a good telling off! Tonight, I will be mostly having ago at drawing a profile and hopefully getting the shading and textures right on a bit of board that I got from the Range, if that goes well then all the better! Whoop.
I'll post it on here or I might get my 'creative portal' sorted out! yey! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Friday morning, bad decision
made by me.
Left my bag with my copy of
Seamus Heaney
Lurking in the footwell of my
car.
Come back at lunchtime and its gone
My notebook and Seamus
Window smash and grab, daylight robbery
Bye bye Heaney
Racked with guilt I didn't write for months
Because I lost Seamus | | comments: Leave a comment |
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